Rediscovering Who I Am

You know the moment. You suddenly feel the world crumbling in on you and you feel completely alone. What do you do in that moment? Who hears from you?

God has surrounded me with amazing friends and family who are there when I need them. But those wonderful people all too often become a crutch for me. A place to lean. Friends I can see. I can hear. I can touch. This causes me to often turn to them, not to God.

The past few years have been a tough period for my family… filled with transition, pain, and working through thick strongholds that have felt smothering at times. In some of these times, I have felt completely alone. Many of the friends who so eagerly surrounded us before “seemed” to be non-existent.

In this darkness, I’ve pushed away the very tools God has given me to express worship. I’ve left my guitar in its case, even with music being the gift that draws me to Him like no other. I’ve been inconsistent with running, the world where my head gets clear and I can focus on His strength in me. And my fingers have not been striking the keys on this macbook like they have in the past. The writing has been put on the back burner… the very thing that allows me to process life.

I’ve been so distracted trying to fill the ache. Chasing after things that are just distracting me from the true calling in my life. The one I’ve known for a long time. Just feeling these words come off of my fingers and seeing them on the page makes my heart beat faster and makes me desire to feel alive in His presence again.

But God. Two of my favorite words in the Bible.

But God was trying to teach me something through the strange pain and loneliness. No matter how many times I’ve been told to “turn to Him, not others,” I needed to EXPERIENCE the feeling of having no one to turn to when I was hurting.

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. – Psalm 62:1-2

God has been wanting me to stop looking out, and instead to look up. For once, to realize that when it feels no one else is here… HE. IS. So this morning I get it. This morning I accept. This morning I open my hands and my heart and ask Him to fill me with love and trust in Him ALONE.

With open hands & heart, silently hoping in Him… this is where I rediscover who I am.

So although we have a long way to go, I believe things are looking up because we’re looking up. I’m diving into God’s word, truly seeking to learn more about Him, and to learn more about who He wants me to be. And remember the ways I mentioned that I express worship? Music, running, and writing? They will not be kept on the back burner anymore. This girl has finally realized that turning to God is not just the “only thing left to do”…. it is the BEST thing to do.

Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. – James 4:8


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