Have you ever done a complete 180 in your life? You thought you were on the right track, but somehow your wheels got just enough off of the railings that you had to jump completely off and start over going the opposite direction? I guess that’s a good way to describe this year for me.
2014 has been one of the craziest, most painful, most growing seasons of my span of 41. There have been so many changes in my life, internally and externally, that it’s going to be difficult to fit it all into a blog post. At least one that is short enough so as not to lose your attention. 😉
In January, I was tired. Not a good tired. Apparently I had been pouring diesel fuel into an unleaded tank. My heart was exhausted and mad, but it wasn’t clear why. From all the picturesque viewpoints, my life looked great. Great husband, beautiful kids, beautiful new home. Not to mention the fact that I was finally in my dream job, in ministry, working with an amazing collaborative team of friends. Yet I was not satisfied, and the lack of contentment and deep unresolved issues were starting to spew out at people around me who I care about. Well, more people. My husband had dealt with it for years.
Now, that’s just what was going on inside my heart. There was a mess happening in our family as well. See I have this little problem where I pour all of myself into whatever I do. Unfortunately, the job & ministry that I loved was where my heart was. My heart was not planted at home. It was not completely given to my family. Within the first couple of months of this year, I was unsure that our marriage of 15 years was going to survive the year. It had been a slow fade. And by the way, a slow fade doesn’t always look like sin. It can actually be something good, but something that becomes an idol. That was church and work for me, and quite honestly it had been for years.
My husband wanted a change, understandably. As a family, we left the church where I grew up and I eventually left the dream job. Leaving our church family was one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to do, but it was also the thing that I needed most. My hubs knows me well, and I’m thankful that he loves me enough to stand up to this stubborn soul. He is a blessing. He led me to a new place, and for once I followed.
The next few months brought a time of change and reflection. We were worshiping as a family, visiting different churches, and becoming stronger together. There were so many times when I felt lost or sad, yet thankful that our family was on this adventure together. The Lord revealed so much about my heart, about where my focus had been, about bitterness that had taken root and grown incredibly deep. He even pulled out some pride in my heart that scared me.
In August, we became a homeschooling family. I believe God called me to it two years ago but I pushed it aside. So far, this year has drawn our family so much closer together. Call it making up for lost time. I feel like I know my husband and all of the kids so much better than I ever have. For that, I am so, so thankful! God has been working on me and has brought me to a place of contentment. I finally understand more than ever what an incredible gift He has given me… right here in front of me… my precious family.
Okay, back to the church visiting for a minute. As we visited other places over the months, there were definite God-moments. You know those days when you know you are in the exact right place at exactly the right time? Yep had a few of those. We tried to settle in a couple of different churches, but every time we tried to connect, something just didn’t feel right. In the end, it was Jeff who decided it was time to come home. After a growing, changing season in our lives, we’ve been back at our church home for a few weeks now. So thankful. So blessed. So grateful for a husband who leads. So grateful to a God who pushed me to stop being stubborn and follow the man He gave me.
So now as we approach 2015 (YAY!), I can’t wait to see what the Lord has planned! But my friends, as we start the new year, I can’t stress this to you enough… my problem was foundational. The struggles I faced, the struggles my family faced, were all because of an issue of where my heart was positioned. It wasn’t about the job and it wasn’t about serving in ministry, which I’ll get back involved in when the time is right. The problem was where my anchor was dropped. A precious friend helped me see this a few weeks ago: I had been trying to be the anchor in a place that I wasn’t supposed to. I had been giving so much of myself outside of our home that there was nothing left for my family… except discontentment and bitterness. Now that the fog has cleared, I really understand that the anchor goes here, in our home, with Jesus and with my family. As long as that heavy piece of metal stays buried in its rightful place, God can then use me in the way HE sees fit.
I want my anchor buried deep… and I want it to weigh about a million pounds. 😉
What about you?
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