If you have been a reader of my blog for any amount of time, you know that I’m a restless soul… somewhat of a runner (literally and figuratively). All that running/restlessness has come to umm… I guess you’d call it fruition… in the last couple of weeks.
You see, I had a plan for She Speaks. I couldn’t believe that God had opened waiting list doors for ME, not only for me to go to the conference, but also for a publisher appointment to open up. This was the time… I just knew it. I had two weeks to get the proposal finished. To get in the door and make an impression. However, during the next couple of weeks, my Savior had greater plans for my soul than He had for my writing.
The pain hit about a week and a half before the conference. At first, it seemed like a typical sinus infection… I get them a couple of times a year. But this one didn’t go away. It put me in the bed (doesn’t happen much) and by Sunday, the pain in my right ear was so intense that I forced myself to go to the minute clinic.
Ruptured eardrum. Severe infection. What? 10 days of two kinds of antibiotics. So much pain that I was on ibuprofen around the clock.
By Thursday, I still had not been able to work on the proposal. My mind wouldn’t focus and I was beginning to have other strange symptoms. Why, God? We had a plan! I don’t understand.
Interestingly, despite being unable to focus on writing during that week of rest, God had been speaking to me very clearly about a calling He has for me that I have pushed away for YEARS. This seemed to be the only clarity in my mind at all. The research excited me and at times while working on it, my pain seemed to go away. More about this coming soon.
Fast forward to Friday morning. When I registered, the sweet girl who checked me in encouraged me to keep the publisher appointment even though I had nothing in hand to present. “If you have a passion in your heart, you need to share it.” I agreed hesitantly to keep the appointment.
As I sat and listened to a message that was completely ordained for me, I cried most of the morning. I realized that this moment was actually confirming the calling God has not allowed me to get off of my mind. For this I am humbled and thankful.
Amazing worship in my heart language, incredibly anointed and humble women speaking words to my very soul. It was just an unbelievable weekend. I counted 24 chill-bump-creating God Moments specifically for me during She Speaks prep and the weekend itself, and those are just the ones I know about. Surely there were others happening in my heart and behind the scenes that I don’t even know about yet.
When we sang Oceans (which I have been hearing over and over and over lately!) for the closing session, I realized “You call me out upon the waters” doesn’t necessarily mean something way out there. Your waters may be embracing a life that has been set in front of you for a long time and you’ve been avoiding it. It may mean breaking out of a comfort zone that you don’t even realize you’re living in. And then when that one led into 10,000 Reasons, I couldn’t even sing. My head fell and tears streamed when I heard the first notes come off the guitar. I couldn’t believe God was really doing this. This song. How personal can you be, God? You are so good. To learn why this song has meant so much to me in the past few months, jump over to this post: O My Soul.
In case you’re wondering, the appointment went well. But the proposal I was going to write? It would have been thrown away if I’d put the work into it. What I originally planned to write was not what God had planned for me. God’s idea came to me on Friday of the conference, and now it’s time for me to pour my heart into the work He’s called me to do. By the way, the book goes perfectly with the calling I’ve been running away from for these years
Don’t worry… I’ll share soon. For now, have you examined your own heart and life lately? Are you running away from a calling God has given you instead of allowing Him to plant you? I encourage you to check for signs of restlessness and ask your Creator God to show you His calling.
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Oh how our stories are intertwined with a similar unprepared proposal and story … I tried on three attempts to cancel my appointments with two of the biggest publishers… But God said No!!! God’s ways are not our ways and often the vision we have actually is not clear… I lay in bed wondering how obstacles thrown my way were truly gifts to me… I mean I was driving from Texas to North Carolina and had a hospital detour, strapped to a back board and thrown in the back of an ambulance but I continued on….
Tired and weary I ran and faced the fact that unprepared I would open my heart to rejection ….it was not at all rejection…. Oh we should have met…. Oh Gods plans are never what we think they are …. Oh my sister they are bigger …
Oh yes, Doris! They are bigger than anything we can imagine! I wish we would have met too! Love your message of Hope… And can’t wait to hear your news! 🙂 Praising The Lord for you, sister!
Paula, I’m so curious and excited to hear what’s ahead for you. Glad you had a great experience at She Speaks. Maybe I’ll get there next year.
Hey Rosann! 🙂 I’ll be talking more about it VERY soon. Hope you can come to She Speaks next year!
[…] this year, as I was preparing for She Speaks through the pain, unable to write the book proposal, homeschooling wouldn’t leave my mind. It became a stronger passion every day. When my […]
Great message Paula! I would wager many of us feel restless and long for God to use us and then when the oceans rise (illness, exhaustion, business, overt sin by ourselves or others) we start to succumb to our battered selves. Thank you for your encouragement to continue to seek God’s call, and to keep our eyes above the waves.