The last several months of my life have been a period of smothering darkness. Aloneness. I’ve looked potential for significant loss straight in the eye, yet told it to go away. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything at all, and most certainly there have been no penned words on this page for the world to see. It’s been a private dark time. Only those closest to me know.
But in the dark, God is becoming more real to me. His friendship. His grace. He has orchestrated events in my life that could be explained no other way. There have been very personally spun moments. Blog posts have been put in my feed, songs have been sung, defeat has been defeated.
O my soul.
Last week, I read a post from Ann Voskamp called How to Care for the Most Important Part of You. It was about being the keeper of our souls… about not being controlled by emotions and feelings. It means looking past the surface feelings… looking down into the deepest part and saying, “Why are you afraid, o my soul?” or “Why are you sad, o my soul?” Little did I know how these words would come back to mind.
It was 5:30am on Sunday morning and I was wide awake. For the past two hours, every painful thing (or so it seemed) in the past several years of my life was being played in my head. On loop. I was quickly being defeated by an enemy who likes to play with me in the darkness. But this time, instead of giving in to complete and utter misery, I picked up my phone and turned to my bible app with a specific scripture in mind. From Psalm 42… Why are you cast down, o my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.
O my soul.
Praise the Lord. I went to sleep and had an incredible dream. It confirmed a recent change in my life, one that I will talk about more in days to come. The statement that God awoke me to was one of freedom. He transformed my perspective. All my Father God said to me was “It’s not that the people don’t want you there, it’s about ME wanting you somewhere else.” Amen.
I’m thankful for the freedom God gave me this morning. Not sure why it surprised me when at church we started singing… Bless the Lord, o my soul, o my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like NEVER BEFORE, o my soul. I worship Your holy name.
It was personal. And yes, my soul sang like never before.
O. My. Soul.
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