This word. It smacked me in the face a few weeks ago when I shared with a precious friend that maybe she was… this word.

My entire life, I have searched. My heart and mind have battled against each other, trying to make sense of why nothing satisfies this soul.

I grew up in a very loving home with a Godly mom, dad, and brother. They were the ones who led me, taught me, guided me. The ones who stood by me through all of my early “searching” years (and still stand by me today). At age 25, God gave me an amazing husband. One who has loved me through pain and has stood by me when others wouldn’t have. We have been gifted with 3 beautiful children who don’t understand why Mommy seems to struggle so.

Such amazing people in my life. Yet, this word.

Like my friends, I went to college right after high school; however, after 3 changes in major and a lot of reckless mistakes, I finally quit and moved back home. Several years later and on our own young married dime, I finally graduated from the second college, while at the same time holding down a great job. Only to mess that up and cause a lot of pain.

Then Jeff and I moved to Chicago, which was great for our marriage. He had a great job and I did too… we were working together with the same company, both of us feeding our own ambitions. But that lasted a year and we were back home.

During the transition back to NC, my dream position opened up at UNCG… and they chose me. But less than a year later, I quit that too.

Then kids started being born.

In the midst of all the kids, I went back to work… this time in ministry, my heart.

Then back home a few years later, only to go through a time of brokenness and growth. A miscarriage, loss of people close to me, and a couple of other circumstances that God used to shape a time of complete breaking.

After the breaking, it was back to work, but this time in the area of my calling. Still not satisfied. Still not enough. Still not GOOD enough.

This word. Restless.

But why?

Because a lot of it is still about me. I’m still trying to satisfy my Jesus-shaped soul with me-shaped stuff. People. Things. Ambitions.

I’m tired of trying, even unconsciously, to satisfy my soul with things that God’s word tells us can never satisfy. Our souls were created for Him. To worship Him. To praise Him. To serve Him. To follow Him. To glorify Him. To share Him. To love Him.

So now we know the root. This word. Restless. It has kept me entangled for far too long.

Lord, help me. Help my friend. And help all of those reading this post who may struggle with the same root. Father, please rip out this ugly, destructive root and put down new roots.

Roots of satisfaction in You that can never be torn away.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. – Psalm 73:25-26.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. – Psalm 62:5-8.

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